Due to the overwhelming amount of public outcry, a public statement has been released by the government:
“State of Connecticut”
It has come to our attention that the so-called “State of Connecticut” does not exist. The area of (no longer) land between New York and Rhode Island is best described as a hybrid between supercritical fluid and pure light––a scientific phenomenon never previously recorded. Scientists are currently working on researching a possible solution, but this has somehow managed to elude even the brightest minds. We’re also aware that a large number of CT-zens are harnessing their love for UCONN Women’s Basketball and attempting to flee and seek refuge in neighboring New England states. In lieu of this mass migration, we have created a guide for past Nutmeggers to hopefully ameliorate the cultural shifts and improve assimilation.
- Whatever your religion is, it is now Tom Brady. Be prepared to fully integrate The Big T into every aspect of your life—a true New Englander should always have multiple Brady jerseys on. State law dictates that all establishments have a dedicated Brady-Pray Corner, just in case anyone feels like winning.
- Your favourite meal is now clam chowdah with a Ben and Jerry’s ice cream float in an extra-large Dunkin’ cup, with a glazed-apple-cider-Boston-Cream donut lobstah roll. This is the standard breakfast, lunch, and dinner of every New England inhabitant. In fact, it’s a felony to drink, or even think about Starbucks.
- Drop your r’s and extend your a’s. Fah exahmple, the quick brahn fawx jahmps ovah the lahzy dawg and banhs a rite to Bawston. This is the easiest and most authentic accent for quick integration. Once yah pick it ahp, yah can never put it down.
- Throw away your winter gear: it’s survival of the fittest. You might as well go the extra mile and wade in the snow in nothing but a Celtics hoodie and Patriots sneakers. It’s also not uncommon to see people snow-bathing on the road while heckling passerbys.
We hope that this quick guide can help the Conn-munity in these difficult times, and we wholeheartedly reassure our all fellow American citizens that we are doing all that we can to investigate and address this issue as soon as possible—the government is definitely always doing as much as it can to help its people.
