As the holiday carols quiet down and the new year creeps closer, you hear a subtle but cult-like murmur among people you once thought were normal: Mew dear, glue e. Mew dear, glue e. What you thought to be a relaxing and energizing final day of 2025 instead left this chant ringing in your head. 

Warm and bundled up in bed, you get ready for your nighttime routine of scrolling (or as you call it, “independent research”). While munching on some popcorn kernels for caloric maintenance, you remember the eerie murmuring and try to make out what those cultists were saying. Are they all going crazy at this point in the year? After some time, you give up and return to your scrolling. At the crack of dawn, you finally set your phone on your nightstand and drift off into sleep, better described as “morning recovery potion”. 

Nine solid hours later, your 4 p.m. alarm throws you awake. You jump out of bed all energized, pack your gym bag, and prepare yourself for an electric gym session.

​As you enter the corridors to the gym locker room, you notice that all of the lockers are locked. Not giving it much thought, you routinely pop in your noise-cancelling AirPods and play your “motivational songs” playlist on Spotify. Passing the not-so-empty lockers, you step into the human zoo. 

Oops — I mean the gym… just with ten times as many people as you would expect (not an exaggeration). 

Stunned, you scan for any space to carry out your stretching routine. Nothing. Not a single square foot for your mat. As you weave through the chaos, trying your best not to step on anyone’s head, your ears sweat so much that your AirPods slip out mid-jump. And then you hear it. “NEW YEAR, NEW ME. NEW YEAR, NEW ME.” The chant. Louder. Clearer. The chant echoes around the gym, with every last person screaming the chant after every set. The scene that you see reminds you of the monkey enclosure at feeding time — but this time, it’s creatine and not bananas. Hundreds of monkeys trapped in one space. 

That’s your last straw.  You head straight for the exit. But on your way out, someone asks you to film them on the treadmill. Reluctantly, you agree. They eagerly jump on, not realizing the treadmill can go faster, and ask you to film them WALKING 5 miles on it. Turning to the camera, they start vlogging: “Welcome back to my Youtube channel, today we’re walking 5 miles…” You gently set the phone on the treadmill, let it roll off, and run.