Just as seniors began perfecting their “I’m-outta-here” vibe and auctioning off their books and notebooks to freshmen (“lightly used, just as new”), the LC administration dropped a bombshell: the school is now a five-year institution. Why? According to administrators, “The class of 2025 wasn’t miserable enough; So let’s give them CL English V and the realization that the Harkness table will, in fact, haunt them forever.”
Our reporter, standing in-between seniors on the “senior” path (now rebranded as The Eternal PilgrimageTM), captured these student reactions: Jay Denial was seen teaching a masterclass on “Advanced Denial” in the Parton Room (“Step one: Convince yourself CL English V is just a Mandela Effect”). Another senior, whose name we are to keep anonymous, said: “If I have to sit at the Harkness table one more time, I would at least need to have the invisibility cloak.” This person was last seen in the KBL’s fiction section, skipping their AP Calculus BC exam.
To make it even better, the Deans rolled out a fresh “curriculum” to commemorate the occasion. Seniors must now tackle “Circular Time Travel in High School” (sample problem: If a student graduates in 2026, how many time loops can they create to extend their tenure until there are exactly 5 pelicans in the Cow pond), attend a mandatory workshop titled “How to Explain This to Your College” (where students must draft an email to their admissions offices titled “Surprise! I’m a Time Traveler.”) and write a 50-page thesis on “The Institutional Betrayal” (required reading: the school’s tuition invoices).
As the 17-minute announcement dragged on, a mob of fifth-year students erupted outside the office, chanting “We are Senior-Seniors!” (n. A student so deep into their fifth year, they’ve started grading freshman essays “for fun”) and “Say yes to CL-iffhangers!” (n. A CL English essay prompt so convoluted, students suspect it’s designed to break them into staying another year).
Teachers, meanwhile, are caught between happiness and resignation. “I’ve already recycled my ‘Congrats Grads!’ PowerPoint,” sighed English teacher Mr. Lendell, sipping from a mug that reads ”I Survived the 2020 Zoom Era…” We also caught up with English teacher Dr. Benison, who enthusiastically said to us: “Hey, fifth time’s the charm for teaching Macbeth. Maybe this year, someone’ll finally notice that the deadlines are closer than they seem.” Our reporter also recounts seeing a big poster titled “Congrats (too bad) Class of 20256” outside Dr. Benison’s office, adorned with a cartoon gravestone that reads “RIP Motivation: 2021–2026.”
When pressed for comments, the Head of School offered a pep talk via Zoom, the meeting titled “TEAMWORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK (FOR 5+ YEARS).” One of the trustees shouted: “Imagine an extra year to marinate your Harkness table’s aura!” Additionally, amid the meeting, a senior yelled, “DO WE AT LEAST GET A DISCOUNT ON THE BILLS?” This chaos ended with the Head’s parting words: “Time is a flat circle… and so is our tuition payment plan.”
As seniors crash into identity crises, we recommend the following: (1) Rewrite all your bios from “Incoming Freshman” to “Professional Student (2021–2026)” (subtitle: ‘Yes, I’ve seen the abyss. It has a Harkness table’); (2) Hosting a ‘Countdown to Freedom 2.0’ party (activities: burning old planners, sobbing into CL English V annotations); (3) Remain calm when the admission office replied to your email “Surprise! I’m a Time Traveler” with “LOL.”
