A Thorough Investigation into the I-Tri Program.
[CONFIDENTIAL]
Case file #084-082-073
Operation: I-Tri
Filed by: Detective P. F. Beak, Investigative Bureau of Fish
Date opened: May 1, 1986
Status: Ongoing
CASE OVERVIEW
Officially, the program in question, the I-Tri (a.k.a. “Innovation Trimester”, or “Insidious Triassic Reptilian Infiltration” [unconfirmed]) is a senior spring initiative where students help out a local business and learn real-world problem-solving skills. Unofficially, it’s a black hole of questions, a vortex of ambiguity, wrapped in a (top button undone) sleek button-down.
It was a case like any other—starting with an anonymous tip left inside my underwear drawer. The note read, “They’re not who they appear to be. Watch [REDACTED] carefully.” However, this one wasn’t about secret societies or library phenomena, it was about the I-Tri. A program that seems harmless enough on the surface, but something felt…off.
I started my investigation by observing from afar. They thought they were being discreet, with their bookstore-bought folders and corporate buzzwords, but I know a cover-up when I see one. Subject B2 appeared to have not blinked once in several hours. At first, I chalked it up to pure screen addiction, but the more I saw, the more unnatural it seemed. The next day, I interviewed Subject C7, who simply stared at me for exactly 47.08 seconds, before saying: “Business… is going according to plan.” and proceeded to eat my dino nuggets, muttering something along the lines of, “Perfect shape.” Coincidence? I think not. My next lead was from another agent, codename: Mop Whisperer. He shared that the students congregate at the PHI at exactly 3:12 AM, discussing “synergy metrics”, “scalability bandwidth”, and “high-hanging fruit”. I asked him to help contribute to my investigation—he declined. Said he didn’t want to get “LinkedIn’d”. Safe choice.
I decided it was time to go deeper. I posed as a consultant from a machine learning education biomedical law firm non-profit startup in Silicon Valley and set up a meeting with them. They provided complimentary iced matcha. While undercover, I found plenty of evidence, like claw prints on the floor, Jurassic Park posters everywhere, and bite marks in a Shark Tank DVD (Season 5, Episode [REDACTED]). When I asked which shark they identified the most with, they replied, “the apex predator.” I don’t recall such a person—I must have missed quite a few seasons.
CONCLUSION
Based on field observations, material evidence (see Appendices D, I, N, O), and frequent use of the word “ecosystem”, the truth is undeniable; the truth is clear. I-Tri? More like I-Spy a dinosaur. Agent recommends immediate surveillance to be placed upon Subject D9, as well as a biometric scan of [REDACTED]’s lunch box.
FINAL NOTE
As of this morning, I have been reassigned to hallway duty.
Officially: “excessive theorization and unauthorized role-play during work hours.”
Unofficially? I got too close.
This document contains sensitive material under Bureau Protocol 0N-1D. Unauthorized distribution will result in reassignment, demotion, or being forced to take six exams in a week.
[REDACTED]
