This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real stalkers, living or in witness protection, is purely coincidental (and please don’t sue us).

It was a Tuesday. Rain was pouring. Thunder was clapping. I, a humble freshman, logged into Veracross to check my chemistry grade (RIP). But then…I saw it. The Directory. A pixelated Pandora’s Box. With trembling hands, I clicked—and began devoting myself to madness, or, as teachers like to call it, independent research.

Step 1: Access the Directory (Or: How to Find Your Crush’s Address in 0.5 Seconds)

Let’s dissect the typical page:

XXXX XXXXX (Let’s keep them anonymous, I don’t want to get caught stalking.)

GRADE: XX (Wow, groundbreaking intel.)

MOBILE: XXXXXXXXX (Area code reveals they’re definitely from Ohio.)

EMAIL: [email protected] (Ah, yes, the inbox that’s ignored on holidays.)

ADDRESS: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (Google Maps street view: Creepy. Why are all houses identical?)

PARENT 1: XXXXX (Okay.)

PARENT 1 MOBILE: 11111111111111111 (“Hi, Mrs. XXXXX, is XXXX home? I’m….”)

Picture this: It’s 2 AM. I’m squinting at Veracross. There it is—“123 Sigma Lane, Los Angeles”. A sophomore’s address. Sigma Lane. Sounds like somewhere in a dystopian novel, but Google Maps displays a street lined with identical beige mailboxes and houses. Is this some Area 51-related district where everyone is brainwashed after the frequent UFO sightings?

Step 2: Decode the Family Tree

Observe: Parent 2 Name: “N/A” (Witness protection? Alien abduction? Or more realistically, can someone be named N/A?)

Last week, I stumbled upon a student named Abcde (pronounced Ab-si-dee, apparently). Abcde. Epic. Her mom’s email? “[email protected]”. Not a joke. I spent 45 minutes drafting a fake survey titled “How’s Life with an Alphabet Smashed Name?” before my conscience kicked in (read: fear of expulsion).

Step 3: Text Your Friend’s Mom “by Mistake” (Or: How to Gaslight an Entire Family)

Scenario: You’re bored in Bio. Your friend Jamie exists. Time to act.

1/ Command C + Command V: PARENT 1 MOBILE: 11111111111111111.

2/ Text: “URGENT: Jamie’s bad grades are due to alien Wi-Fi. They’re jealous of his Fortnite skills”

3/ Watch as Jamie’s mom replies: “Who is this? This is Jamie’s mother. He does not have permission to use the internet this week. Please do not contact this number again.”

4/ Panic. Block number. Change your name.

5/ Tell your friend you’re “considering a gap year in Paraguay with SYA” (My friend’s also living in Paraguay now, thriving.)

6/ Flee the country.

Step 4: Maintain Your Vera-Stalking Etiquette (Or: How to Not End Up Expelled)

Rule #1: Deny everything.

Rule #2: If caught, say you’re ‘researching demographics for Loomis’ Model UN Conference (LooMUN.)”

Rule #3: If you must visit someone’s house, bring cookies.

Last month, I “accidentally” wandered near a classmate’s address—purely for LooMUN research, of course (demographic studies are very niche). Carrying a binder of “global policy strategies” and a cookie (Rule #3: Baked bribes matter), I snapped photos of their street’s suspiciously symmetrical shrubbery for my “urban planning thesis.” A neighbor side-eyed me, so I yelled, “THIS IS FOR MODEL UN! (Rule #2: Cite LooMUN)”

Step 5: Enjoy Your Life as a Vera-Stalker

Congratulations! You’re now a certified Vera-Stalker. 

Next steps:

1/ Start a podcast: “Tea Spilled: The Veracross”.

2/ Sell merch: “I Know Where You Live (Thanks, Veracross!)” tote bags.

3/ Run for class president with the slogan: “Free Vera-Stalking Workshops at Lunch! (Knowledge is Power… and Mildly Concerning)”

Enjoy!
Disclaimer: “The LC Log hereby denies all responsibility if you: a) Accidentally text your friend’s mom about ‘alien Wi-Fi,’ b) Get arrested for cookie-bribing a suspicious neighbor, or c) Awaken a mysterious stalker, which will now stalk YOU back.”