Schools nationwide are reporting a “mass academic surrender” as seniors, freshly accepted to colleges, relinquish themselves to Senioritis—a condition experts describe as “like watching a sloth marathon, but with more existential memes.”
In our live report, our correspondent, stepping into the senior dorm strewn with Cheetos bags and protein bars, reports: “It’s chaos. One student just tried to turn in a paper titled ‘Why I’m Not Doing This Paper.’ Another is arguing that ‘graduation is a social construct.’ The teacher is crying. More at 11.”
An exclusive interview with a senioritis sufferer gave us a firsthand look at the condition. We caught up with Blaiz Lyn, a high school senior who runs on iced coffee and once wore pajamas to a job shadow. “I’ve mastered the art of existing,” said Blaiz. “I can now nap upright, cry silently during online AP review sessions, and calculate exactly how many classes and assignments I can miss and ignore before receiving disciplinary action. It’s a gift.”
According to scientific analysis (or as a matter of fact, we asked a guy who once watched a TED talk), Dr. Phil O’Sofake, self-proclaimed “Expert in Academic Atrophy,” claims Senioritis is caused by “Post-Acceptance Brain Rot”—a condition where the brain, upon realizing college apps are done, deletes all knowledge of MLA format. “It’s tragic,” he said while Googling “how to cite a tweet.”
SYMPTOMS CHECKLIST (FOR SELF-DIAGNOSIS):
☑️ You’ve rewritten your LinkedIn bio 14 times instead of studying.
☑️ You refer to Veracross “that thing I used to care about.”
☑️ Your planner now just says “?????” in every box.
☑️ You’ve started a black market trading your little brother’s unfinished fanfiction as ‘peer-reviewed sources.’
Realizing the tragic condition of its fellow students, the LC administration and executives decide that it is time to fight back with some desperate tactics:
Tactic 1: “Productivity Escape Rooms,” where seniors must solve puzzles like “Decode the President’s Motivational Speech” or ”Find the Thesis Statement in This 200-Page Syllabus”;
Tactic 2: “Early Retirement Packages”, offered by the administration, with gold watches (plastic), personalized hammocks, and a certificate declaring them “CEO of Not Trying.” To qualify, students must submit a five-word essay (“Why Bother?” is trending) and attend a seminar titled ”Mastering the Art of the Side-Eye: Advanced Techniques for Dismissing Authority”;
Tactic 3: “Participation Trophy for Participation,” awarded to seniors who show even a flicker of motivation in classes.
Lastly, on how to survive senioritis, we present a multi-stepped guide: Start a “Countdown to Freedom.” Bring your teacher a coffee from the Bean and say, “You’re my only hope” (Works 60% of the time). Lower your standards by believing that “C” is just an “A” with a little more realism.
Bonus prediction from the exclusive psychic of the Log: 78% chance you’ll cry during math, 100% chance you’ll Google “how to adult” at 3 a.m, ∞% chance you’ll miss this chaos once it’s over.
