For many people, holidays are a time for relaxation. A chance to take an everything shower, catch up on a few episodes of their young adult soap opera (personally, I’m team Kitty-should-end-up-single), and finally repay that continuously compounding mountain of sleep debt. However, before boarders can bask in the sunshine, sprinkles, and glitter rainbows of holiday life, they must first engage in a battle of wits to secure coveted housing.
As a seasoned veteran of Loomis Chaffee’s very own “Holiday Hunger Games,” I would like to offer my advice on how to secure your spot, today (after all, sharing is caring, even if it concerns the exploitation of other people)!
First! You must select your “prey” (forgive my wording, but being houseless is far more concerning).
Make use of all possible resources. Veracross their personal information (after all, it’s not stalking if the information is already public, is it?), LinkedIn their parents, and Google Earth their address. It wouldn’t be very pleasant if you accidentally stepped into a neighborhood where cultists are looking for unsuspecting victims.
After a thorough background check, set yourself up to success by consistently delivering roses to their dormsteps. Bonus points for any heartfelt cards and serenading out their window. Make sure to act as quickly as possible—you can’t risk another pesky boarder laying hands on your target. If you notice any other interested people competing for affection, just know that a few warm, gentle warnings (and gaslighting) never hurts anyone. Once affection points reach over 80, you can prepare to reveal the question.
Invite them out to the rooftop (there will be no way for them to escape) using a handwritten note.
Now take a deep breath (this is a matter of life and death), and state:
“Could I pleeeeeeeeeeeease stay over for Heads Holiday?”
Delivery is crucial. Sparkly eyes are a must, you must parallel the most innocent puppy, the sweetest kitten and the most heart-wrenching bunny. Maintain eye contact for at least 3 seconds, because if they haven’t been lured by your overwhelming cuteness, they certainly won’t dare reject your murderous aura. When the answer is delivered (“YES!”), you can let out a sigh of relief… but the battle is far from over.
Once you enter the door, you must not reveal even the slightest slouch. Revealing the shrimp as your spirit animal is not a good look. Once you are in your room, discreetly set up your stacks of textbooks. You get bonus points if they have the words “AP”, “Multivariable”, or “Theory” on the cover page.
Now that you’ve set yourself up for success, all there is to do is sit back and enjoy the rest! P.S., make sure to consistently deliver high-class glaze at least 3 times a day though, now, they’ll be sure to invite you back next year!