February–the month of true love, snowy weather, and groundhogs that predict spring? Nope! Every February, instead of enjoying the freezing temperatures or digging into the piles of homework awaiting them, students of Loomis Chaffee clamor to the course registration page, hoping desperately to find some interesting-enough class that will help them graduate.

“You know, this year we approved the addition of 82 new classes!” comments Dean Shufflebottom, the head of the Academic Office. “We always want to spice things up, and keep the students, and even teachers, guessing!”

One of the many popular new courses is Advanced Sports Betting, a class designed to help students learn the “ins and outs of gambling” in an all-risk-included environment. “You know,” Billy Abbott ’26 notes conspiratorially, “Sports Betting used to be a College Level class, but students started gambling away too much of their money, so the Academic Office was forced to demote it to just an Advanced class. A shame really, because I was planning to take it to boost my GPA!”

Indeed, students seem to be willing to take any class as long as it’s labeled as “College Level”, even– or maybe especially– CL Sleeping Seminar. “Oh, that class is not to be trifled with,” Abbott ’26 warned. “Last year, I drank a Red Bull right before class, and couldn’t for the life of me fall asleep! I got a 0 for my participation grade that day, can you believe it?”

This year, many classes were also implemented to aid students with study habits, especially the horrible habit of procrastination. CL Psychology of Procrastination teaches students how to procrastinate–except more effectively than ever. “Students are free to do absolutely anything they want during the class block–except obviously, anything worth their time!” remarks Dr. Duffus, an expert on human psychology. “I mean it! Nothing productive. No reading, no drawing, no going to the bathroom, no drinking water, no breathing…you get the idea.”

In the 2025-2026 school year, it seems clear that students will have no problem fulfilling their graduation requirements, or having fun doing it! On the other hand, they may find themselves with a bank account depleted by gambling, or even dead by suffocation if they take Psychology of Procrastination…well…as long as they graduate with a high GPA and a smile!