How to Write the Perfect Essay
Aaron Michelsen ‘27

People lie: kids lie, students lie, parents lie, you lie (how could you), but more aptly: teachers lie. That is a real problem because they are teaching you how to write decent essays, but they lie. However, I am going to not lie. Instead, I am going to educate you on how to write a decent essay better. A necessary part of any essay is to offer no context for what you are writing about; assume the reader knows what it is. Ex: spaghetti hamster wheel.
Teachers often tell you to use body paragraphs to talk about your main point, so I am going to use this one to talk about my side point—Thinking about Joe makes me very sad, and “I wish I could remember him more,” said Aaron Michelsen ‘27. . Quotations from yourself are the best and easiest way to make sure your message gets said, and remember: readers know what you are writing about so don’t analyze quotes after including them. “I am going to not lie” (Michelsen, 1).
Veracity is a suggestion for essays; 83.0936% of essay experts believe that lying, particularly about statistics, is 142.60% a good thing to do in 22 out of 7 scenarios. Some people claim that conclusions are important, but to me, the only important part is making sure to end it with the letter “a.”
Grammar is mildly important in some places, but it’s alr t’abbr f/ t->t. Also, it is important to “remember which tense to use”, says Aaron Michelsen ’27, and that tense is always “first person.” Certain groups suggest incorporating concise and sophisticated words that you understand, but that’s boring. So use either simple baby words or apply unmistakably convoluted morphemes that you cannot discern. Sentences, should, also, be, punctuated, not, according, to, proper, English. That. Is. Lame; use! whatever: you – like?
To write the perfect essay you must also concern yourself with your work habits. You should always do essays as close to the deadline as possible; the more stressed you are while working on your essay, the better it will turn out! When working on the essay, you should also make sure to “have a movie playing” says Sir Aaron Michelsen (never cite the correct title of a person) to achieve the right ambiance. If you ever experience writer’s block it is completely ok, and I encourage you to doomscroll on TikTok for as long as possible to get ideas.
Looking at this article, you may doubt it, and claim that a mere 83.0935% of essay experts believe in deceit instead of 83.0936%. Addressing doubts and limitations in your essay is essential, and you should only do it on superficial details where it cannot undermine your argument. Because your essay is perfect, major flaws do not exist, so ignore anything you think is one. The final thing you need to do is to conclude by stating the antithesis of your argument: perfection is impossible.