Bizarre Fall Coffee Specials
Rachael Lantner ’25
Everything but the Base: Your favorite drink––hot cocoa, coffee, matcha, but with no liquid. After all, the liquid (especially if it’s water) doesn’t contribute to the taste. So why waste your time consuming it? You may as well put the powders directly into your mouth, and then, if you need a little something to wash it down, take a sip of lemonade or the much-loved citrus peach. These at least have a flavor. They’ll match perfectly with the sweet taste of chocolate or the disgusting (yes, I am very biased here) taste of coffee. Here’s my review on the hot cocoa: truly delectable. I could feel the granules of the sugar, and it tasted as if I had just had a mouthful of sweet dirt. For the hot cocoa, I do recommend washing it down with a sip of Gatorade (specifically fruit punch). I felt as though I had been deceived into eating an entire cookie made from playdough, and I loved it––yum.
Little Hot in the Cold: Pour a fresh glass of cold milk. Next, add hot sauce until the bottle is empty. Stir. For the final ingredient, utilize a whole lemon. You have two options for how to incorporate this fruit. The one I always gravitate toward––cutting the lemon in half and then squeezing the juice into the drink. Next, zest the lemon. Not just the yellow part. Remember, we’re using the whole lemon––stop after the white, and only once you reach air on the other side. However, if you’re feeling lazy, place the lemon, milk, and hot sauce into a blender. Now, you not only have a drink but also a snack! You can choose to eat the hot cheese you just formed with a spoon and then sip on the drink, or you can pour the drink and cheese right down your throat, and the hot sauce burns, and the curdled milk glides off the roof of your mouth. Making this drink has replaced all other forms of procrastination––it’s truly that good. I get to make something to hydrate and snack on all at once. Now that’s saving time. Drinking it all together feels as though spiders are crawling down your throat and as though you're trapped above a pit of lava. Note: try it with chocolate milk. It really enhances the hot sauce.
The Scalp of the Dead: If you find the other drinks much too bland for your liking, try out this one. Make sure you’re not eating, though, because this drink… should have your full attention! Mix dried pig skin with some iced tea, and then add a splash of water from the Cow Pond (it really gives it an earthy flavor). Stir continuously, and drink with a straw. On the very first sip, my taste buds practically exploded. There were so many flavors, so many delights coating my throat. It was like making snow angels on a pile of goose poop. The only thing that could make it better would be relaxing in the Cow Pond on a floaty, freezing from just falling in, with this drink in hand. Give it a try, and let me know what you think. I’m sure you’ll love it as much as I do!