Dear Cell, Happy Tuesday
Cylina Wang ‘28, Contributor

So, you woke up today absolutely certain it was Friday, ready for the sweet release of the weekend—only to find it’s Tuesday? Congratulations; you’re caught in the Loop. And no, this isn’t just about that circular path around campus. It’s a state of being.

To answer your question, yes, rumors are spreading all around campus that time itself has turned against us. Recently, we have received reports from many students feeling trapped in endless cycles, with each day melting into another like a strange déjà vu dream. To help you identify the symptoms, we present the definitive guide to Loops:

Loop One: The Endless Email Thread
Danger Level: ★
Index: Each morning, you open your inbox, overwhelmed by a tsunami of emails—Canvas reminders, announcements from the Deans, "urgent" club updates, random New York Times newsletters. Reply to one, another appears. Reply to that, two more pop up…

Loop Two: The Classroom Phenomenon
Danger Level: ★★
Index: You sit in class, eyes glued to the clock. With each tick, it feels like time is slowing. A lecture on photosynthesis drags on and on, pushing the limits of what human attention spans were built to endure. Some have even reported feeling they’ve aged a little in just one period.

Loop Three: The Tuesday
Danger Level: ★★★
Index: You woke up and were convinced that it was a Friday, but found yourself to be trapped on a Tuesday. You drag yourself through the day, haunted by the promise of what could have been, each moment feeling heavier than the last as you navigate classes and assignments. You, being so ready for a restful weekend, were only to be found sitting still on the classroom table, nearly falling asleep.

Now, conspiracy theorists may claim we’re on some kind of alien social experiment campus (which could be true), but they have it wrong: it’s that we’re trapped in the loop of life—the grand loop that keeps us all in this cycle. You might as well ask yourselves: are we ever really moving forward? Or are we merely cells, repeating what we’ve done day by day inside this grand egg, doing our “division” and “growth” routines?

My fellow friends, or cells, what we call the Loop is essentially an egg. And… as with any respectable embryo, each of us plays our part. Some cells (or people, if we’re staying metaphorical) are here to be muscle cells, pushing through gym routines; others, brain cells, endlessly firing up in the library, cramming late into the night. Together, we’re developing into a complex, well-functioning organism, supposedly on the verge of "hatching" into the real world. But until that glorious “crack” moment, we remain within the loop.

Every time you experience the loops, you should recognize the signs: this campus is the yolk, my friend, and we're swimming in it. We keep going through the same motions, semester after semester, with the promise of hatching into adulthood just one term away. Yet here we remain—never quite breaking through.

Now, you’ll hear some say, “Once you walk out of the Loop, time flows differently.” That’s the myth, the grand theory of eggology. The Loop only exists because we’re unhatched. But the egg will crack one day, and we’ll emerge—graduated, developed, no longer bound by the ‘loops’ that hold us in. So, what are we waiting for? Do we resist against the loop? Or perhaps we wait, patiently dividing and evolving, until nature decides it’s our time?

Whatever we decide, until then, dear cell, happy Tuesday.