Tiger Song ’27
Contributor
Thanksgiving Break Canceled
After due discussion between StuCo presidents Emma Yu’er and Jack Fulled ’24, a general administrative decision has been made to cancel Thanksgiving break for the 2023-2024 school year at Loomis Chaffee. This decision was reached in cooperation with the Rights for Turkeys club, led by Todanada Turkyie ’24. Indeed, in the absence of Thanksgiving, an additional week of testing will be implemented with “finals week,” now lasting a fortnight. Breakfast check-ins will be at 7 AM sharp, while dormitory residents will rest with open-doors during an additional testing week, according to the decision. Tests will last from 8 AM to 5 PM on school-days.
To be completely fair, is it not true that Gen-Z have already assigned a different definition to Thanksgiving in the wake of this decade’s staple of “cancel culture”? Traditional culture tells us that Thanksgiving originated as Desperate Pilgrims + Friendly Wampanoag = Big big dinner big big bird. No, the pilgrims surely did not need to be saved! The correct Gen-Z approach to the protection of Thanksgiving must be to thank God (or the creator, or the overall spirit, or the Big Bang, or my dog Carly, or really whatever else by this point) for opening the floodgates to the wet, miserable winters that is the staple of New England. Behind only of course the completely amicable and emotionally stable Patriots fans after being blown out by the Bills. If these are the extents of human knowledge and logic behind supporting Thanksgiving, then yes. We need to be grateful that such a holiday exists and only exists to start our winters where it rains at 15 degrees Kelvin on a Sunday afternoon in the middle of December.
For a viewpoint that is slightly less than extreme apologist towards our modern society and generation, look no further than downgraded chicken turkeys. “It’s insane,” Todanada tells me, “that we’ve created such an economy around these giant birds.” Indeed, do turkeys not signify the very essence of America? They dominate the global economy for a while and then disappear, they invade the tables of other countries, and most importantly, they’re obese. Indeed, Thanksgiving must not be canceled. Otherwise, how would the world know of the existence of our country and its foundationalist ideologies? Nonetheless, the fate of Thanksgiving has been decided. If one attempts to discover the true causes of the cancellation, they would be brought to the infinite loophole known as “-I dunno, I guess administration.”
So the next time that you awkwardly munch on the leg of a capitalist machine of money while awkwardly listening to Aunt Marjie talking about her potato farm down in Georgia, remember this article. Or maybe, you’ll be preparing for the second straight week of Biology Finals and memorizing the 42 steps of Cellular Respiration. Either way, best of luck to you.