Ruopan Song ’27
Contributor

MAKE WATER INTERESTING AGAIN

When’s the last time that humanity has drank water? In some ways, this mind-boggling question has been more philosophical than scientific in nature, yet still holds immense impact in the various academic communities of modern society. With that in mind, let’s look at water from several perspectives, and why despite its prevalence, the last report of a human drinking it was in 1959.
The obvious first reason for the removal of water in the status quo is its subsequent replacement with amazing totally-refilling non-carcinogenic gluten-free vegan leftist-hating ‘merica-loving energy drinks. These drinks are outright claiming that they have more salt than water in them. According to the great theory of transitivity, what else has salt inside itself that is a liquid? The sea. How do we disinfect the sea? Warming it up. And how are we warming up the sea? Global Warming. In the end, global warming is just the government’s attempt to remove the growing prices of energy drinks and replace them with a massive seafood boil for the benefit of all humanity.
But enough about salty energy drinks that create more division 1 athletes than obese Americans. Why do we need to make water great again? It’s because of fishing. Not about the water used in fishing, but the logic behind fishing. Imagine this — you are a sea bass under the water, eating your kelp and reproducing and committing to other fishy actions, when suddenly this massive hook comes out of the sky and is slapped right in front of your face. Of course, one would think that no god would be spending this much effort on attempting to simply catch their prey.
The same logic applies to the humans above the water. They catch you because they can, not because they need to. Surely, the men up there thought that fish must think that there is no way humanity is stupid enough to lure them in with a hook with the genuine hope of catching them. And they are right — for the paradox works, and fishing is an entire industry because neither men nor fish can be convinced of each other’s stupidity. So, as the young of this amazing, democratic, federalistic country, drink water not because you need to, but because you can.