Have you ever asked the truly important questions about your Loomis Chaffee teachers? Sure, some grade differently, some teach different classes, and some are even in different buildings! But how good are their high-fiving skills?

Welcome, welcome, one and all, to the 1st Annual Loomis Chaffee Faculty High-Five Invitational, a tournament where the best of the best on campus compete for that all-coveted, all-important, title of “High-Five Champion!” But you may be wondering, how exactly will this be determined? Of course, not all high-fives can be judged completely objectively. So, which factors rise above all else? I’ve narrowed it down to three categories: approach, connection, and aftermath. The approach deals with the social burden of a high-five, and the overall awkwardness of the endeavor. The connection refers to the crispness and sound of the high-five, and the aftermath covers the memorability of the encounter — that is, the lasting pain of a good ol’ hand slap.

I now introduce our four standout performers in the First Annual LC Faculty High-Five Open: Mr. Gritzmacher, Ms. Parsons, Mr. Guevara, and [redacted]. Yes… due to *ahem* unforeseen circumstances *ahem*, one of our notable contestants could not participate. In order to fill this void, I asked the people to bring forth a newcomer — a champion of the masses. When everyone called, when we all needed her most, Mrs. Aweida-Parsons answered the phone. And boy, did she bring some heat.

Not only was the sound incredible, but I felt the aftershocks of the earth-shattering high-five for the rest of my community free block. Oh boy, my hand was hurtin’. It was hurtin’ bad, but it hurt so good. As we high-fived three times (“3 trials makes a zestier experiment” – the science department, maybe) Mrs. RAP confidently recited “High-Five, high-five, high-five,” with the proficiency of a computer program running its course. Oh yeah, RAP came to play.

But in the other corner, Ms. Parsons steps up to the plate! Ms. Parsons, not to be confused with Mrs. Aweida-Parsons, gave her all in some mighty high-fiving. The approach was rather awkward, which was mainly on me, as I attempted to challenge her high-fiving skills right before our class period, so I’ll let it slide. Our journey through the three trials felt akin to Goldilocks. The first was tame, the second was feisty, but the third was just right. After the snappy second high-five, Ms. Parsons warned – “I’m your teacher: I give you grades!” But on the next attempt, our hands struck gold and we both reclaimed our agency at that very moment. We realized the impossible was, indeed, possible.

I then took a wee trek to Clark 129, where Mr. Gritzmacher was secretly awaiting my arrival. I made my request right before he was to deliver tests on electromotive force and torque, and he accepted. As if our hands were oppositely charged themselves, they attracted each other into a perfect connection. In our previous high-fives, he had spilled his theory on how to maximize the sound of a high-five, and it showed.

And if the previous challengers were cooking, Mr. Guevara grilled a fine, Michelin Star steak. I passed by him in the hallway and he immediately picked up what I was putting down. We stopped in the doorway of the SNUG and high-fived so amazingly, philosophers will talk about it for generations to come. These high-fives were CRISP. Immaculate. Exquisite. The collective dining hall smoldered in pleasure, and ate the last bites of their Friday ice cream with a supreme sense of satisfaction.
Out of these final contestants, we can only crown ONE “High-Five Champion.” And the winner is… Mr. Guevara! Congratulations sir! And with that, the First Annual Loomis Chaffee Faculty High-Five Invitational draws to a close. We’ll see you next year – up top!