Rising Cases of Senioritis

Alex Park, Contributor


Senioritis sweeps the Island. Eyes that once sparkled and bodies that once exuded positivity have become dull and lifeless.

Engulfed in a depressing aura, students have walked around campus spreading this hazardous disease for close to a month now, putting the well-being of other students at stake. After studying thousands of cases, the Loomis Chaffee Center for Disease Control (LCCDC) has determined that senioritis is extremely contagious, and even the most basic forms of contact, like the exchange of a few words, can cause the most Herculean of minds to fall into the hands of senioritis.

The LCCDC has conducted several tests with world-renowned epidemiologist* Fanthony Dauci. A definitive conclusion has not been reached, but several conjectures about how it spreads and a possible cure have been put forth. Senioritis seems to form a layer around the infected, and the infection rate is alarming. 

Mr. Dauci said “Victims seem to develop an entirely new persona.” The epidemiologically — deemed term senioritis goo has been used to describe this disease, as it literally forms a layer of depression around those affected.

Surprisingly, the LCCDC has concluded that senioritis does not require a vaccine. Essential workers have attempted physical cleansing methods, but have fallen short of removing the disease and goo from students. Escaping the mold of lethargy and torpidity that senioritis forms requires immense internal effort. Only the catharsis of the mind or an epiphany enlightening enough to shed the mold of senioritis goo is viable to retaliate against the negative effects of this disease. 

But for now, not a gleam of light can be seen. The road to a senioritis-free Island seems very, very far. Unless, of course, students achieve this so-called epiphany.

*Disclaimer: It is to be noted that Fanthony Dauci has been shadowed by the work of his much more qualified twin brother for his whole life. Ergo, his studies on senioritis may have been an elaborate scheme to prove his self-worth.